@garrettbarry70: Can't sleep knowing there's a Toblerone in the mini bar.
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@Freudianscript: Someone told me to settle down, & I wasn't sure if they meant for me to calm down, or buy a house & start a family.
@CornerPubRon: When my new neighbor dies, I'm going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
@truegritrumble: I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn't be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.