Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
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Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.