My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
You Might Also Like
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
SCARY COSTUME
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park