@RobinMcCauley: Can't stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
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@TheTalkingPipe: Her dad said he'd like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
@notalogin: After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn't shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
@vanderheydensax: Me: Got any baby aspirin? Clerk: No, we're out Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye* Clerk: Sir– Me: DON'T RUSH THEM!
@AntozWolf: People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!