@ieatanddrink: Can't tell if they're hitting on me here?
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@davedittell: prayers by believers to a "Sweet Jesus" imply additional deities: Sour Jesus, Salty Jesus, Umami Jesus and, most frighteningly, Bitter Jesus
@ColoChiver: Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
@Sean_Burgundy_: The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone
@faizziy: That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..