“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
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[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.