Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.