USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
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“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.