Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
You Might Also Like
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Strangers have the best candy.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats