@kennyflorian: Can't trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
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@mindykaling: When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
@myles_morrison: Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don't even star my tweets.
@ShittyComedian: When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.
@Bob_Janke: An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don't get electrocuted when it rains and now we're checking Google