Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
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there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.