Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
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Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.