Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
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You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
this makes me so uncomfortable
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!