Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent