@omgthatspunny: Can't wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂
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@INDlAN_: [describing robbers to sketch artist] Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
@wolfpupy: i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
@KateWhineHall: If I ever really want my kids' attention I can just make a YouTube video of me "unboxing" whatever I need to say.
@Ygrene: [On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks] "Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat"