I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
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My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
normalize having existential bread
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
shit just got real
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes