20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
You Might Also Like
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.