My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
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*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no