Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
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Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
wtf management?!
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣