Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
You Might Also Like
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Brilliant!
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.