“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
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☑️ I was drunk
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
marvel comics have peaked
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”