Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
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[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.