Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
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(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.