Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
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I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
There is no “we” in pizza
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
haha same
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking