[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
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If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
this will hang in the louvre one day
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood