@GibJimson: Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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@TheToddWilliams: Earth: Goodnight Moon Moon: … Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’ Moon: … Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate Moon: Whatever
@bryanmcc74: Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep ... That's it, I've got that !
@SatansTongue: Give me a massage "Mm okay" *rubs oil all over her* *things get hot* *things get too hot* *she bursts into flames* "Dang I used petroleum"
@RedheadChaos: Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation.. ~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand