Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping