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@GibJimson: Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
@Sarcasticsapien: Beauty and the Beast is an introvert's worst nightmare. You stay home alone miles from people and then the damn dishes start talking to you.
@Tylerosis: Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
@noog: I bet no one's had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
@GeorgiaBarns: All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
@gagging: Michael Jackson breaks into WALMART. He only steals lotion. Turning to the security camera he whispers "smooth criminal" and moonwalks away