Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
#math
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
This is my bus stop.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.