captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
You Might Also Like
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies