captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
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I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
This forever.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.