Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
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LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please