Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
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airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.