Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
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The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
“you changed” bro i was 15
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Cheer up.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*