@briangaar: [Captain America, minutes after the love of his life's funeral] Damn her niece is hot
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@weinerdog4life: Me: nice car Friend: yeah 400 horsepower Me: that's like 7000 ducks Friend: what Me: what
@KeetPotato: [1st day as cop] captain: "why did you call for back up" me: "there was a fly in my car" swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do"
@Mr_Kapowski: If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death. Disneyland has never been so fun
@david8hughes: [at the opera] Me: what's wrong with that guy Wife: shh! Me: but he's tiny, he can barely hold that violin Wife [whispers]: that's a cello