The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
You Might Also Like
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
A collection of me turning into random objects.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.