Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*