captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
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I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Easy enough.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?