captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
You Might Also Like
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.