Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
12653.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda