Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
You Might Also Like
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”