Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
You Might Also Like
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
me
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I’m Sold!
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!