*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
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They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team