Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
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ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Realize this:
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here