Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
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Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.