(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
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INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
when you are just born a rebel
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.