Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Growing out my freckles.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.