Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
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did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”