[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
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my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
This makes total sense…
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this