Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.