Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”