(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
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13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.