[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
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Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
need him
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.