CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”