If only
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She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Everything reminds me of my ex
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
termite twitter scares me
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”