car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
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A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.