car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
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Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*